Finding my inner Holden

When I read you can usually find my ipod on my lap, headphones in ears and a coffee close-by. If you ask me a question I'll remove the headphones and ask"What?" You repeat the question and I'll answer. The thing is, there is never music playing. I hear your question the first time but go through the motions anyway. That stuff kills me.

The Choice is Yours

I quit my job at the Chronicle last week. And in my last week I contemplate the decision made. I leave a stable profession with a good income for the unknown. No job only an opportunity. My bags are packed and I'll be headed out shortly. With no certainty of employment, I go on faith. I will be volunteering with Generate Hope and hoping for a serving job at night until a full-time position opens up.

Close to 800,000 victims annually are trafficked across international borders worldwide. I can't continue to wake up daily with only thoughts of myself, my day, and my plans. True love is best displayed in community and not in individuality. Young children are being force into sex and I will no longer sit by in silence. I can be their voice, I can be their courage, I can be their protection.

Finally pursuing my goal, I vow to speak louder, fight harder and reach higher for these girls. God has given me a passion for this cause. He has used these last few years to break me down and build me back up again into a stronger woman. There is no way this new path will be easy but I've already made it through some huge battles. I defy it to succeed in weakening me.

Did I make the right decision not to wait for a full time job in San Diego before leaving? At this point I'm not sure. But I do know that I'll be taken care of, even if that means eating ramen noodles and pbj's for awhile, I accept the results of my choices.

It may sound crazy. But living a mediocre and mundane life sounds crazy to me. I challenge you to follow your heart. In an economy that is screaming for you to stay put and hold on to what you have I believe that you still have a choice. Make your own journey and see it through. Wrestle with your fears and win. I believe in you.

Your Hands - JJ Heller

Heard this song recently, its words are comforting during all these changes and leaving family and loved ones...

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Farewell love

As I prepare to leave San Francisco a sense of sadness sweeps over my soul. Like your first love that you never quite forget, SF will be the bar that all other cities will be measured.

I'll always remember the day I looked up at the beautiful sky at Market and Powell and stared at the architecture of the Gap Building. It was in this moment I knew that I had fallen. I could never love another city as I love SF. Its residents come from various cities, cultures and backgrounds; and yet in this place together, they find their perfect harmony. For centuries writers have struggled to explain this city through pen and paper. I believe many have succeeded in attracting an interest, but like myself, have found difficulty really describing the city that makes your heart melt the second you move in.

But I will continue to write through my intimidation. This is my tribute.

It was in this place that I lost my heart to my first love and thought my tears would never cease. It was here that I played my first real song on the piano and found my joy in singing in front of others. It was here that I ran my first half marathon. I have never laughed so hard, loved so deeply, and cried so consistently as I have in this city.

I’ve experienced Murakami, Kerouac and Dostoevsky over glasses of wine in Dolores Park. I've explored the follies of capitalism and reality of God’s existence over cigarettes and ten dollar cabernet. Walked the streets of Pac Heights dressed in green leaves as Eve during Halloween. Danced to Lady Gaga in the Castro with my closest friend John over cranberry vodkas. Escaped to house parties in the Fillmore with faces unknown and recently met. And I’ve listened to Radiohead live in Golden Gate Park through the mist and fog.

Thriftown in the Mission and perfect tacos from La Taqueria kept me going back regularly. Haight Street wooed me with vintage thrift stores like Static and array of attractive men in plaid shirts and ray bans. My most memorable moment of boy meets girl involved books, closed doors and North Beach. Nob hill, where I lay my head each night introduced me to Polk Street, the Lumiere Theater and Huntington Park.

Every day I wake and think it’s just a dream I’m having and I keep relapsing. But it’s real. Those of us who live here are blessed more than we know. Months have gone by quickly, time has sped up and I’ve aged without realizing it. With each passing day I fall more and more in love with this place but it is time to move on and find my next adventure.

In the end I’m reminded it's not my location that defines my happiness. It's who I meet along the way, the experiences I've been a part of and the inevitable hardships that make me stronger. As this chapter ends I’m prepared and anxious to find what lies ahead.

But quietly I whisper into the wind “I’ll come back for you San Francisco, you’ll never leave my heart.”

<3

her red hair

She sits there in her big red plastic chair. Her hair dyed a paler version of the same red. Brown roots show through her matted hair. Her surroundings go unnoticed as she sips her coffee.

The red walls of the coffee shop taunt her. Excitement. Desire. Love. Reminders of what used to be.

Twirling her green scarf in one hand and clutching her romance novel in the next, her tired hands show a life lived in years far too past. Page by page she travels back to her youth when her hair's color was a reflection of her current persona . Purple one month. Orange the next. This month red. But those days have faded. Her thin hair now lacks the vibrance it once had, a reflection of the same dullness she feels inside.

The white crumpled napkin next to her coffee cup longs to be held once more by those hands. Tossed aside quickly, it knows the person that clutched it has known adventure, pain, romance, passion.

The secrets that have formed each wrinkle on her small pale face stand as a testimony of a life well lived. These secrets I will never be told.

She slowly lifts her coffee cup, throws her green scarf back around her neck and heads out the door. I'm hoping today she'll find the courage to start her own adventures again; dye her hair green, and go. But she'll be back next week, she's always back. Same time, same chair, ready to return to life only through her books.

"...It's on us"

I don't think any of us really expected the events of this past weekend. But as we curled up on our bed at the Club Saturday night ... some of us in our bathing suits, some in white cotton robes and others in our pj's ... we couldn't help but laugh til we cried over the experiences we shared. Some of those moments will be shared, some will stay between us. It started Friday night with a sushi dinner compliments of Sushi Rock in Nob Hill with Gina and Sarah. Aside from our three rolls we began our evening with a few sake bombs. Tipping our glasses just slightly, we poured in the ice cold Sapporo and carefully poured the hot sake into our little white shot glasses. Onnne....twoooo....THREE! *clink!* We drank our first sake bomb of the night, well two of us did, Sarah enjoyed sipping hers. After a few more bites of sushi and one more bomb we headed back to my apt to get ready for the night.

Our heels clicked down the sidewalk on our way to the Ambassador. A few minutes into the night we ended up meeting the owner. Three shots compliments of the house. We gladly accepted and followed him to our own private booth where champagne was brought out just for us. Adam was charming and personable. Getting to know him and the rest of the bartenders was the highlight of our night. As the last customer exited the bar we hung around chatting with our new friends and exchanged business cards. (As all grown-ups do). A successful night of free drinks for sure.

We made our way back home and awoke the next morning to get ready for Napa. Cameras, dresses, toothbrushes; all was packed and we headed out the door. Arriving at our first Winery (Andretti), we praised the day for being clear and sunny. We met up with Anneliese and entered into the Winery to take our first tastings of wine. Compliments of the Winery, we enjoyed four gift bags and samples of any wines we wanted. Outside we took photos and relaxed with red wine in hand.

Flora Springs was our next winery. Ready for whatever surprises they had for us we met Jason who showed us to our own private wine tasting room. A long table set with wine glasses and orchids awaited us. A character to the core, Jason wooed us with his quirky descriptions of the wines and jokes that we couldn't compete with. "REDS!" we proclaimed, we had had enough whites for the day already. Jason brought in a variety of wines complimented by cashews and crackers. His coworker also enjoyed our company as he told stories of the books he was hoping to write. Unfortunately we saw all too fast that his fictions were not so fiction afterall. We loved him just as well though with his "secret handshake" with Jason that included a gumball machine created by their hands.

Not wanting to leave but quickly realizing much wine and little food was about to encourage the proverbial wine headache we headed next door. Dean and Delucca called to us as we grabbed sweets, cheese and delicious sweet bread.

Peju was next and although beautiful on the outside, they were rude and we didn't enjoy the wine. They won't get a shout-out.

Finally we ended up back at the Silverado Country Club to unload, change and prepare for dinner. Dad and Chef Cuco greeted us in the restaurant and we were prepared for whatever Chef had for us. Chef loves to spoil when we come by, we are his only guests when we are there. Forfeiting the menu choices we couldn't wait to see what he'd prepare. Following was an eight course meal fit for royalty. Appetizer platters, different proteins mixed with various wines, palette cleansing sorbets and chocolate souffle cakes were presented throughout the evening. We were Queens for a night and we loved it.

Back in our room we found ourselves on the bed like giggling school girls talking of past boyfriends, new boyfriends, husbands and everything that consumes the mind of 25 year olds. Sarah took abstract art photos and we held our stomachs as the jokes kept coming. Finally tired we slept in our beds soundly dreaming of the next day. Breakfast was buffet style with special Belgian waffles, and "on-the-house" by the manager. Treated again like celebrities we finished our meal and took the golf carts out around the course before heading home for the day.

We made some of the best memories over the weekend and shared stories that we never knew about each other. But it's the moments you aren't reading about that are the moments we'll remember most from this weekend. Too scandalous to post, these will be the ones to remember.