Looking at my family history I can't help but consider my odds in the matter. If I was a betting woman, I'd bet against myself; place my money on the other guy, the one who won't be on the receiving end of the cancer stick.
I'd recently discussed this topic with my friend who then asked, "Are you feeling ominous about it, or just pensive?"
Both.
"The latter sometimes creates the former," I answered.
Cancer has been on my mind a lot this year. I've seen friends and family go through it. Each time a new case arises I wonder when my time will come. I wonder if I'm eating the right foods, exercising enough, praying enough, loving others enough, the list goes on. And, I curse the genes that make me just another statistic.
I'm not afraid of dying, it's the way of nature and life. But I am afraid of closing my eyes for one final time without having made a difference in the world.
I don't fully agree with the saying "Live every day as if it were going to be your last." If I did this I'd end up homeless on the streets of Spain one day having squandered away my money on quick, temporary pleasures. I do believe, however, in living as if you were going to die. Period. Simple.
We are not created to live careless lives with no regard to others. That type of inward focus leaves us unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
But maybe if we begin living each day as it comes, accepting the good, accepting the bad; we can begin to let go of our constant worrying of what's to come. Because no matter how hard we try to steer ourselves in one direction, inevitably we will be sideswiped by some unseen event. I could sit around and wait for cancer to infect my body or dwell in fear tiptoeing through life as to not interrupt the chemical balance that is holding off the cancer cells.
Or I could live as if I was going to die anyway, regardless of cancer. I choose this option. My desire to pursue my music is witness to this. My day job, the bills I pay monthly, my time volunteered at GenerateHope; they are witness to this. I've learned to travel when I can and take impulsive trips to music festivals in the backseat of stranger's cars for the weekend. But I also understand the necessity to stick with a job for longer than a year and the importance of fulfilling commitments with people, time, and money.
This seems almost silly to list out and yet I am amazed at how little weight is placed on responsibility these days. We forget "Thank You's", we show up late to meetings and put off committing to anything until we know if there is anything better going on, forgetting to consider the host's plans.
I may get cancer one day. And if so I hope to battle it with grace and strength as others before me have. Or I will live to be 100 with stories of travels from many different countries. Who really knows, maybe knowing this early about the women in my family is more of a gift. And the gift I've been given is an invitation to self-awareness.
"I am. I am. I am." - Sylvia Plath
I'd recently discussed this topic with my friend who then asked, "Are you feeling ominous about it, or just pensive?"
Both.
"The latter sometimes creates the former," I answered.
Cancer has been on my mind a lot this year. I've seen friends and family go through it. Each time a new case arises I wonder when my time will come. I wonder if I'm eating the right foods, exercising enough, praying enough, loving others enough, the list goes on. And, I curse the genes that make me just another statistic.
I'm not afraid of dying, it's the way of nature and life. But I am afraid of closing my eyes for one final time without having made a difference in the world.
I don't fully agree with the saying "Live every day as if it were going to be your last." If I did this I'd end up homeless on the streets of Spain one day having squandered away my money on quick, temporary pleasures. I do believe, however, in living as if you were going to die. Period. Simple.
We are not created to live careless lives with no regard to others. That type of inward focus leaves us unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
But maybe if we begin living each day as it comes, accepting the good, accepting the bad; we can begin to let go of our constant worrying of what's to come. Because no matter how hard we try to steer ourselves in one direction, inevitably we will be sideswiped by some unseen event. I could sit around and wait for cancer to infect my body or dwell in fear tiptoeing through life as to not interrupt the chemical balance that is holding off the cancer cells.
Or I could live as if I was going to die anyway, regardless of cancer. I choose this option. My desire to pursue my music is witness to this. My day job, the bills I pay monthly, my time volunteered at GenerateHope; they are witness to this. I've learned to travel when I can and take impulsive trips to music festivals in the backseat of stranger's cars for the weekend. But I also understand the necessity to stick with a job for longer than a year and the importance of fulfilling commitments with people, time, and money.
This seems almost silly to list out and yet I am amazed at how little weight is placed on responsibility these days. We forget "Thank You's", we show up late to meetings and put off committing to anything until we know if there is anything better going on, forgetting to consider the host's plans.
I may get cancer one day. And if so I hope to battle it with grace and strength as others before me have. Or I will live to be 100 with stories of travels from many different countries. Who really knows, maybe knowing this early about the women in my family is more of a gift. And the gift I've been given is an invitation to self-awareness.
"I am. I am. I am." - Sylvia Plath
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