The Choice is Yours

I quit my job at the Chronicle last week. And in my last week I contemplate the decision made. I leave a stable profession with a good income for the unknown. No job only an opportunity. My bags are packed and I'll be headed out shortly. With no certainty of employment, I go on faith. I will be volunteering with Generate Hope and hoping for a serving job at night until a full-time position opens up.

Close to 800,000 victims annually are trafficked across international borders worldwide. I can't continue to wake up daily with only thoughts of myself, my day, and my plans. True love is best displayed in community and not in individuality. Young children are being force into sex and I will no longer sit by in silence. I can be their voice, I can be their courage, I can be their protection. 

Finally pursuing my goal, I vow to speak louder, fight harder and reach higher for these girls. God has given me a passion for this cause. He has used these last few years to break me down and build me back up again into a stronger woman. There is no way this new path will be easy but I've already made it through some huge battles. I defy it to succeed in weakening me.

Did I make the right decision not to wait for a full time job in San Diego before leaving? At this point I'm not sure. But I do know that I'll be taken care of, even if that means eating ramen noodles and pbj's for awhile, I accept the results of my choices.

It may sound crazy. But living a mediocre and mundane life sounds crazy to me. I challenge you to follow your heart. In an economy that is screaming for you to stay put and hold on to what you have I believe that you still have a choice. Make your own journey and see it through. Wrestle with your fears and win. I believe in you.

Your Hands - JJ Heller

Heard this song recently, its words are comforting during all these changes and leaving family and loved ones...

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Farewell, Love

As I prepare to leave San Francisco a sense of sadness sweeps over my soul. Like your first love that you never quite forget, SF will be the bar that all other cities will be measured against.

I'll always remember the day I looked up at the beautiful sky at Market and Powell and stared at the architecture of the Gap Building. It was in this moment I knew that I had fallen. I could never love another city as I love SF. Its residents come from various parts of the world, cultures and backgrounds; and yet in this place together, they find their perfect harmony. For centuries writers have struggled to explain this city through pen and paper. I believe many have succeeded in attracting an interest, but like myself, have found difficulty in really describing the city that makes your heart melt the second you move in.

But I will continue to write, through my intimidation; this is my tribute.

It was in this place that I lost my heart to my first love and thought my tears would never cease. It was here that I played my first real song on the piano and found my joy in singing in front of others. It was here that I ran my first half marathon. I have never laughed so hard, loved so deeply, or cried so consistently as I have in this city.

I’ve experienced Murakami, Kerouac and Dostoevsky over glasses of wine in Dolores Park. Explored the follies of capitalism and the reality of God’s existence over cigarettes and $10 Cabernet. Walked the streets of Pac Heights dressed in green leaves as Eve during Halloween and danced to Lady Gaga in the Castro with my closest friend over cranberry vodkas. It's here that I escaped to house parties in the Fillmore with faces unknown and recently met. And I’ve listened to Radiohead, live, in Golden Gate Park through the mist and fog.

Thriftown in the Mission and the perfect tacos from La Taqueria kept me going back regularly to the coolest little hood in SF. Haight Street wooed me with vintage thrift stores like Static and array of attractive men in plaid shirts and Ray Bans. My most memorable moment of boy-meets-girl involved books, closed doors and North Beach. Nob Hill, where I lay my head each night, introduced me to Polk Street, the Lumiere Theater and Huntington Park.

Every day I wake and think it’s just a dream I’m having, and I keep relapsing. But it’s real. Those of us who live here are blessed more than we know. Months have gone by quickly, time has sped up and I’ve aged without realizing it. With each passing day I fall more and more in love with this place; but it is time to move on and find my next adventure.

In the end, I’m reminded that it's not my location that defines my happiness. It's who I meet along the way, the experiences I've been a part of and the inevitable hardships that make me stronger. As this chapter ends I’m prepared and anxious to find what lies ahead.

But quietly I whisper into the wind “I’ll come back for you San Francisco, you’ll never leave my heart.”